i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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