Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
