Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
