Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
