this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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