I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
