3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
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My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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