my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
