I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
