I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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