We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
