i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
