god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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