That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
there is glitter all over my balls
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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