I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
