I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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