I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
