I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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