Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
