I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
