My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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