Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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