a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
