Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
