Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
