meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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