I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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