then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Enjoy the penises
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
