You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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