Yo dont text me then not text me
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
