my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
