I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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