You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
