but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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