conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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