His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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