yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
