ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
