So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
