I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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