Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
