I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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