i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
