So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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