just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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