The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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