he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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