I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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