We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
