I think I won the penis lottery.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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