How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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