The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
