My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
that's an acceptable place to lick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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