Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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