My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
