I wish I could teleport
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
